How To Train Your Fruit Fly In Three Easy Steps

Lesson One
Toss and turn. At 1:30 a.m. open e-reader. Commence reading compelling novel. Your fruit fly will eagerly respond. You will know he is ready to begin when you sense a tickle on the fine hairs of your right index finger. The timing is right. But, in your all absorbing book, you may forget that this is a fruit fly lesson. You’ll think that the tickle was imagined and return to your chapter. No worries! This is normal fruit fly owner behavior.
Continue reading uninterrupted for a full 30 seconds.
Wave away that irritating tingle at the entrance to your left nare. Return to reading. Then on the right nare. Repeat thrice.
Go back to your book. Observe that the letter (i) is double dotted and letter (T) is double crossed. And the one of them is crawling. See it crawl in circles, spirals, ovals and figure eights. Watch it feign leaving the page via the upper right hand corner. See it prepare to abandon the remains of T and i. Blow a short burst of breath onto the pest in futility.

Lesson Two
Get out of bed. Switch the bathroom light on. Observe the drosophila perform aerial acrobatics up close before your half-closed lids. Blink. Blink. Blink again. Frantically grasp at thin air in random directions.
Return to bed thinking, “Freaking fruit fly is following me.”

Lesson Three
Snuggle into warm bed. Reopen e-reader. Become all consumed by current chapter. In horror, watch the winged fruit bug chapter-bomb the page. Feel your pulse quicken. Your pupils contract. Steady your breathing. Imperceptibly wiggle your right thumb. Prepare for battle.
In your minds eye you see the drosophila melanogaster distort on the page taking over it’s entire space.
Stealthily now, with your right distal phalanx, go in for the kill.
See the winged tipped micro-monster vanish!
Repeat these three easy lessons times three.

Drosophila has tricked you into a few rounds of hide and seek.
No worries! This is normal fruit fly owner behavior.

Safety first. Do not order explosives from websites found in search for “ways to get rid of fruit flies”. 😅

N.B. Wilde

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